It was life and death for Chris a number of times. Knowing full well there is nothing that you can do to help someone through that was really, really hard.
My name is Anita Anderson and my husband is an ex-serviceman. My brother's ex-serviceman.
Chris has always had a huge amount of energy. And I think without the military grounding him, he almost was a little manic. I had no idea of his mental health during that time. Chris was always a life-of-the-party sort of a lot of fun to go out with, a lot of fun to go drinking with, but we just accepted there were times that he would go dark.
So in addition to Chris being, you know, a much-loved part of our family community, I guess, and friendship community, he has lived with us for two extended periods and that was I think during a time that he was struggling but I wasn't aware of the depth of his struggles. I didn't notice the signs. I had a sense that he really wasn't well and I knew that he hadn't been sleeping.
I knew that he was self-medicating. He was overcome with sorrow. That was the thing. Chris has never been an angry person when he's unwell. I felt so much love for Chris as a brother and a family member and a friend. And you can't touch the pain. The pain doesn't go away. They are often so deeply wounded and so ashamed of their wounds, that if something happens and a glimmer of that comes out, you'll see a flare of a defensive response.
But what you're actually seeing is a crack in that carefully constructed mask that they really didn't want to show. So there's self-defensiveness that comes in. And the only way that you can meet that is to hold space without judgement.
I remember there was two moments in his dark room and very clearly not wanting to be around, and I said to Chris, I can't help you right now and I don't think you're in a safe place. The one trigger I could use with Chris was his service and his notion of duty. Immediately he got his bag and was like, "Okay, you know, yes, ma'am. We'll go to the hospital." Um, and there was a couple of times where that happened.
The change in Chris is night and day. And I could always over the time that I've seen him unwell and when he's thriving and I've always said to him, you're feeling good today - I can tell because his gait is different.
My advice would be to not take it personally and to not take ownership of their journey either. If someone fails or if someone thrives, that is entirely that person's journey. It's not yours. And I did get that advice early on to say you can't take responsibility for whether Chris is well or whether he is unwell - that is not on you.
This is still the same person. It's just a facet. And that's the other thing that I think is really important, is not to diminish the part that's unwell and demonise it as that's bad. It's just part of the whole. Knowing that there are places and forums that you could go to talk to other people that are having this experience, I think is such an important part of starting this conversation about how we support people through their journey.
The experiences that they've had, even when they're really awful and they feel shame about it, are just an experience. It's not who they are, and try to remember that when you look at them as well, when they're going through a time that is so physically different, they look so different. They're behaving so differently. When you're holding space, remember who you're talking to. It's not the person who's damaged or wounded, who hasn't healed. They're still the person you love.
Powered by SANE Forums and funded by Open Arms - Veterans & Families Counselling, Shoulder to Shoulder is a supportive, online peer-led community that's free to join, anonymous, professionally moderated, and accessible 24/7 and on any device.
Join the dedicated community space for Veteran’s here.
Join the dedicated community space for Veteran Families here.